1 per bonded pair
The Primary Billu
Leads the pair. Makes the plans, accepts the praise, and gets the first spot in the sunbeam.
The Billu Federation
Very smart billus building a better world for billus everywhere. Fully legitimate. Extremely cute. Please look at the face and not at the paperwork.
Est.2024
Zzz... I have no idea where that sack came from.
What we do for billus
A handful of our members are exceptionally smart. They spend their days developing the world for billus: better sunbeams, better boxes, better everything.
Sunbeam infrastructure
We map, build, and defend warm patches of floor in every country that has floors.
Box policy
If it fits, it sits. We lobby for this principle at every level of society.
Kibble logistics
Moving kibbles from where they are to where we are, quickly and without questions.
Yarn research and development
Our smartest members study string full time. Findings are classified, mostly because nobody wrote them down.
Our leadership
Billus join the Federation in bonded pairs. Every bonded pair has exactly one Primary Billu and one Secondary Billu, appointed after extensive background checks and never elected.
1 per bonded pair
The Secondary Billu
Backs up the pair. Handles the details, holds the keys, and knows exactly where the snacks are.
Our smartest members
Kulfi
Head of sunbeam development. Owns three patches of sun and rents out a fourth.
Professor Bhura
Chair of Applied Knocking Things Off Tables. Published 400 experiments, all with the same result.
Gajar
Director of finance and disappearances. Last seen near a sofa, holding your receipt.
How a billu gets appointed
Every Primary and Secondary Billu passes extensive background checks before a bonded pair is formed. We take devotion to billu-kind very seriously.
The whisker audit
We inspect every whisker. Past, present, and suspected.
Nap record review
Candidates must show years of consistent, wholehearted napping, with witnesses.
The 3 a.m. interview
Questions are asked at peak zoomies. Composure while sprinting up a wall is scored.
The loyalty test
A human offers a snack in exchange for a billu secret. Candidates who tell are out. Candidates who take the snack and tell nothing are in.
Approval takes anywhere from nine days to nine lives.
The Billu Federation Court
Every complaint is heard fairly and in full. You may quote the settlement amount you demand, but the final decision lies with the court. Every transaction and settlement carries an extra 2% billu tax, paid by the payer.
Hon. Justice Mittens
Presiding. Gavel is a pen she pushed off a desk.
Regular billu cases
Stolen snacks, disputed sunbeams, noise at 3 a.m., and anything involving a closed door.
Bonded pair cases
For billus in a relationship: whose turn it is to groom, who sits where, and who ate the last kibble.
Complaints pending
4,872
- Regular billu cases
- 3,106
- Bonded pair cases
- 1,766
- Average wait
- Nine lives
Petitions. One billu can raise a petition for another billu, whether to help a friend or to settle a score. The court will hear it.
Recent rulings
- Human vs. Billu: the missing salmonDismissed. The salmon was never yours in spirit.
- Neighbour vs. Billu: fourteen socksDismissed. The socks looked unattended. Billu awarded 500 kibbles, plus 2% billu tax, paid by the neighbour.
- Primary vs. Secondary (bonded pair): the warm laptopShared custody ordered. The Secondary has already taken it.
- Billu vs. Closed doorDoor found guilty. Sentence: opened immediately, forever.
The Billu Federation credit card
Yes, we have our own credit card. Spend anywhere with a warm surface and earn rewards in kibbles. Zero annual fee, zero interest, and zero chance we remember your limit.
Every transaction carries the 2% billu tax, paid by the payer.
The Billu Federation
9999 9999 9999 9999
Valid thru 9/99Limit: nine lives
Join the Federation
Membership is open to everyone with a wallet and a billu. Fill in the membership form and we will take it from there.
- Kibbles collected
- 1,284,903
- Kibbles returned
- 0
- Complaints resolved
- 100%
- Complaints resolved in favour of billus
- 100%